The 8 People You Meet in Hell (or Jakarta Streets)

Hell is real, and it exists right here on Jakarta’s notorious streets and highways. Driving a car in this pandemonium every single day has educated me, trained me, and molded me into the person that I am today. I’m like Bane with all the anger, but without the respiratory issues.

Jakarta traffic has taught how to read minds by studying the behavior of other drivers (I’m a psychic); it has taught me to withhold my inner Hulk (I’m Bruce Banner); and it has forced me be search inward for peace (listening to Boys helps, because #Britney4eva)

Many people say that the ability to drive in Jakarta gives you immediate license to drive anywhere else. You deal with some real assholes who force you to become a better driver by learning what not to do by way of example from them; but while the cops here wave them away with a slap on the wrist, I doubt these types of drivers can go a day behind the wheel in other countries without picking up a citation:

The driver in love with their phone

Ugh, people and smartphones. They’re inseparable. They’d rather leave their wallet at home than go out without their smartphones. A nightmare for them would be being at a hip place and being unable to record a stupid snap of their tipsy friends because they’ve left their phone at home. This kind of driver usually pays more attention to their damn phone than on the road. So don’t feel guilty about unleashing the wrath of your vehicle horn when you have the misfortune of driving behind one on the highway.

The driver who can’t park

Call me unconventional, but aren’t parking lines used to, oh I don’t know, HELP YOU PARK? If someone can’t see the lines clearly, maybe they shouldn’t be driving at all.  Still,  I call this kind of driver the ignorant asshole. Don’t claim 2 parking slots just for 1 fucking car. Head over to @parkirlubangsat to see examples of real live human beings screwing up parking.

The driver who smokes all the time

You know this guy: he has rolled down the driver seat window, has an arm hanging out of it, and a cigarette clamped between his fingers. He thinks he’s the coolest shit, and he’ll driving as s.l.o.w.l.y as possible so motorists around them can see that too. Oh yeah. So cool. That arm will look even cooler once I decapitate it with a blunt machete and hang it on my wall.

The driver with Xenon headlights

Fuck this guy the most.

What’s with the bright white lights, dude? Are you auditioning for the role of the Sun in some avant garde play? You’re endangering pedestrians and other motorists, thanks to the blinding glare of your stadium floodlights on wheels. There are other ways to modify your vehicle, you know: line the interiors with astroturf, get cream cheese-plated rims, or get a sound system so loud they’ll put Blowfish to shame. Anything but the Xenon lamps.

The driver who loves flashing headlights every damn second

The only reason anyone should be flashing headlights is to warn someone they’re going the wrong way (slow driver driving on the fast lane included) or to send out a Morse code messages because they’re a Cold War spy. Otherwise, it’s just considered aggressive driving when they flashing headlights for 30 seconds non-stop. What’s the point? Are their eyes smothered in so much shit that they need to illuminate the asphalt in ahead by flashing their headlights?

The driver who can’t get their shit together

Where are they going? Left, right, or dead straight? You’ll come across this driver at the worst possible moment. They will confuse and shock to other drivers because they’ll change lanes with wild abandon, never previously learning how to use the turn signals.

The driver who thinks they’re Lewis Hamilton

Oh man. This kind of driver will most likely get cursed by other drivers. They will drive really close to other vehicles to show off their mad skills, and to show off how fast their vehicle can weave through traffic. They don’t give a fuck what others people think because they’ve deluded themselves into thinking they have an actual FIA Super License. Let’s just send them a curse prayer their way that they will not endanger anyone else as long as they’re on the road.

The slow-ass drivers

On the opposite end of the Lewis Hamiltons are the drivers who drive really slow, especially if they find themselves on the fast lane. If you’re in a rush, you’re better off pulling up alongside their window, throwing some cash at them, yell a profanity, and telling them to get a cab instead.

Do you have another type of asshole driver that you want to add on the list?  Feel free to leave your version in the comments, because misery loves company.




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