In Defence of Dark Lipstick

As an advocate of wearing dark lipstick in the workplace, I’ve been very, very lucky to find gainful employment in offices where nobody will bat an eye if I showed up looking like Beyonce in the Telephone video. This is a privilege I do not take for granted *single tear falls down cheek*

I know what it’s like to be hounded by people who haven’t evolved the parts necessary to appreciate dark lipstick; there will always be some sad-sack human being who will tell you that you would look so much better with nude lipstick.

You don’t need that negativity in your life, you can get that from watching Fox News. The best way to shut down this specific conversation is to respond with a smirk; when your detractors strike with some half-baked criticism about your MAC Living Legend, just parry with a slightly sinister smile and an obstinate “GOOD.”

This response works for just about any unsolicited critique about dark lipstick, as you can see here:

STRIKE: “It scares men.”

PARRY: “GOOD.”

You know what else scares men? Menstrual blood, gender equality, and people describing their messenger bags as a “purse.” They’ll get over it.

STRIKE: “You look old.”

PARRY: “GOOD.”

Ageism is tacky as shit.

STRIKE: “You look like a Satanist.”

PARRY: “GOOD.”

Okay wait, I’m confused. So…you’re saying I look like a theatrical secular humanist? Which isn’t really an insult?? But okay, whatever, I’ll take it.

STRIKE: “You’re staining all your silverware.”

PARRY: “GOOD.”

Oh no, you’re right!! How will I ever clean my silverware of all the lipstick marks I left there??? If only there existed some sort of…I don’t know, this sounds kinda crazy, but I wish there existed a liquid surfactant that can remove stains from dirty spoons! You know, like clothing detergent, but for dirty spoons and dishes! Oh my gosh it’s a crazy idea I KNOW, that’s probably why it doesn’t exist!!

STRIKE: “It doesn’t suit you.”

PARRY: “GOOD.”

And unsolicited advice doesn’t suit you, but I don’t see you not sticking that shit somewhere where the sun don’t shine.

Take a tip from Jay-Z and brush that dirt off your shoulder. Wear dark lipstick and rock the shit out of it. Or don’t wear dark lipstick! The point is: you are not responsible for other people’s standards of beauty. Beauty is fluid and arbitrary and nowhere — NOWHERE! — as important as pizza. Peace be with you, friend.

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